I know that I get nervous when we’re not alone
but I wait for you for hours when you’re coming home
when we started talking I got so excited
and I swear I tried to go out every single night

I know that you will always be the one who’s my

spirit desire
spend my time
tell me that you’re always going to be my life

I’m not bored at all
you can call me when you want to call

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❝ You are not brave because you said no, or brave because you ran away, or because you looked love in the face and said “not today.” There is nothing courageous about the way you left me, open handed, palms outwards, waiting. I was standing at your door and I was saying “I will take you as you are if you will do the same for me.” You didn’t know how to. No one had taught you that wanting someone desperately is like sliding out of your clothes and out of your skin and laying yourself at their feet. All skin and no walls. All soul and no teeth, no metal, no keys. No one had shown you how lovely vulnerability can be. How proud it is to be naked in front of someone. Fully clothed, naked. Arms full of heart. Heart full of rain. Body like an olive branch, I am telling you that I love you today. I am telling you that I am not scared to be fragile in front of you. I am telling you that I trust you to look after my gentle. Keep it safe, don’t keep it hidden. They say that giving your name to someone is giving them power over you. I wrote my name on your wrists. I wrote it in your mouth. Whispered it into your ear. I said “here, this is who I am, do what you will with it. I am not scared. I am not frightened.” Even then, even after that, in that quiet rain filled room I watched you stitch yourself back up again and turn away, I watched you do it without me. I kept my hands open anyway, just in case. Here, the mattress is asking you what you’re doing. Here, the walls have known how you sound when you murmur my name. Here, everything is wondering where your brave is. Where has your courage gone? Where is your wolf? I know that you can feel in colours that haven’t been invented yet. I know that you’re trembling beneath your soldier body. I would have loved you enough for the both of us. Until then, I will run through the streets after dark holding a sign that says ‘I SURVIVED LOVING A MAN WHO DID NOT KNOW HOW TO LOVE ME BACK AND IT WAS GLORIOUS.’ ❞
Azra.T “not leaving your heart wide open was the most cowardly thing you’ll ever do”

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❝ I hope you know that no one will love you like I did. That’s not bitter, or resentful, it’s just the truth. I hope she kisses your freckles. I hope she looks after you in the dark. Nurtures and adores the angry and the fight of you. I hope she marvels at the ugly beauty of your nose. That she touches your skin with all the wonder of a child seeing their first firework show. That she’s good to you . Doesn’t get too angry when you don’t talk to her for a few days. Waits patiently for you to come back and love her again. Faithful, just like you need.

But know, it won’t be the same. It won’t even come close to the thunderstorms that were moving beneath my skin from what I felt for you. I would have loved you. I would have kept stoking that fire until I was shaking and smouldering with it. Until every word I hiccuped began to sound like ‘come closer.’ I would have loved you till there was nothing left. Until we were both empty and full from the storm of it. That doesn’t happen often, not everyone can wring themselves out so completely and still be spilling over. So I hope she loves you, I really do. But I also hope that you know it’s not the same. I hope you realise what you lost and somewhen, 40 years from now, that realisation shakes you to the bone. ❞

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